Do you want to cultivate friendships that feel like sisterhood? It’s common as adult women to wish we had more friends or better friends, especially when we see other women posting on social media about their #girlgang hangouts and #bossbabe brunches. How did those women end up winning the friendship lottery while so many of us struggle to make a single connection?
To be honest, it’s just REALLY HARD to make friends with other women as an adult. We’re busy with jobs, spouses, children, appointments, and everything else that fills up our calendars. We don’t have the time, and when we do we feel out of practice and struggle to find common ground with others.
The Necessity of Friendship According to the Bible
But, we NEED friends. From the beginning, we hear God say in Genesis that, “It is not good for the man to be alone.”
God designed us to have relationships with others. Think for a minute about how women, in particular, were designed to fulfill a human need for connection. In the creation story, after seeing that it was not good for Adam to be alone, God created Eve. He chose to create a woman and gave her a specific purpose — to connect with another human being and provide companionship. The human desire to connect was already established in Adam. The human ability to connect was established through Eve.
As women, in particular, we are designed by God to connect with others.
Pope John Paul II reflects on women’s specific “genius” in his Letter to Women. In it, he thanks all women who “through the insight which is so much a part of [their] womanhood…help to make human relations more honest and authentic.” He credits the “genius of women” for much of society’s social and ethical progress, “which often develops in an inconspicuous way beginning with the daily relationships between people, especially within the family.”
That sounds like some serious #girlpwr to me!
So now that we understand the importance of friendship and why we need it, how do we go about finding it? I’m going to share with you three easy steps to making friends as an adult that have worked for me. And if they can work for me, I know they can work for you too!
Three Steps To Making New Friends: Meet, Connect, Sustain
Good friendships aren’t forced, but there is a method to them. To make friends as an adult you need to meet new people, connect with them, and make continued efforts to sustain the friendship.
Based on this, you can break the process of building friendships into three steps:
- Meet
- Connect
- Sustain
In the sections below, I’m going to share tips for seeing each of these three steps through. Soon you’ll have formed your own sisterhood of friends you can trust, rely on, and grow with.
Step 1: Meet
Try out these tips to meet new people and begin forming friendships. If you already have a lot of acquaintances and want to deepen those relationships to form friendships, jump ahead to Step 2: Connect.
Join a women’s group.
There are tons of groups out there for women. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Adventure club (i.e. clubs for hiking/cycling/sailing, etc.)
- Bible study
- Book club
- Community service club (Check out this national Catholic community service organization)
- Mom groups
- Professional association/network
- Women’s local league sports
You can find groups like these and more by searching Facebook groups, looking at your local chamber of commerce website, reading your church or parish bulletin, or doing a search on Meetup.com.
Take a class.
Taking a class is a great way to meet other people who share a common interest, whether it’s pilates or poetry, crafting or cycling. When it comes to fitness classes, many gyms will let you pay to take a class without investing in a full membership. If you’re creative, you can look for classes at your local art studios and hobby stores. Some Michael’s Craft Stores host in-store arts and crafts classes for adults.
Attend local events.
To meet local people, attend local events. Go shopping at the weekend farmers market, partake in a cultural festival, or watch a local band perform. These are usually hosted at local haunts where people like to return again and again. With regular attendance, you’ll start to recognize faces and may get comfortable enough to start up conversations.
Meet your friend’s friends
If you have a friend you spend a lot of time with but every time you hangout it’s just the two of you, suggest getting a larger group together. Encourage her to invite another friend next time you go to lunch and say you’ll bring one too. As adults, we shouldn’t be possessive over our friends (high school drama anyone?). Sharing friends is a great way to extend your circle and meet new people.
Download an app for meeting new friends.
There are many apps designed to help women make friends. They function similarly to dating apps where you can match with potential friends by swiping right or left on their profiles. One that I like is Bumble BFF, designed specifically to help women make meaningful friendships. The app is a dating, networking, and friendship app rolled into one with the option to search for friends only. I also like the Meetup app for joining groups and finding social events nearby.
Step 2: Connect
Connection is what makes the difference between having a small but close-knit circle of friends vs. a large but loosely tied circle of acquaintances. My friend and fellow blogger Madeline, from Radiant with Joy, put it perfectly in her recent post when she explained how just a little vulnerability “can turn us from good friends to great and even holy friends.”
Here are tips on opening up and building connections to deepen your friendships.
Be the one to reach out.
Waiting for an invitation to come from someone else is a very slow way to make friends. Let’s be brutally honest for a second – there are high odds that the other person is trying to overcome shyness, intimidation, and a fear of rejection the same as you. As humans, we all struggle with this, but through friendship, we are called to imitate Christ who chose us as his friends (see Jn 15:15). When you make the effort to reach out to a friend, you are practicing the virtue of charity and learning to give oneself chastely to another. So, see it as an exercise of charity and extend that invitation to lunch, coffee, or a girls’ night out!
The virtue of chastity blossoms into friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends, who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate.”
CCC 2347
If you receive an invitation, make every effort to accept.
As we’ve already hinted at, it takes a lot of effort for some people to put out invitations. So, if someone asks you to hang out, do your best to accept the offer. There are some valid reasons to decline, such as feeling sick or having a prior commitment but don’t reject the invitation if your only prior plans were to binge a new Amazon original series.
Add each other on social media.
Add your friends on social media to stay connected when you aren’t spending time face to face. Social media is not ideal for diving into deep conversation or bonding, but it does have benefits. It allows for quick communication and brief interactions via ‘likes,’ ‘reactions,’ and ‘comments.’ In addition, many people choose to send out event invitations via Facebook.
Be Honest About Your Likes and Dislikes
When you spend time with your newly made friends, do your best to be open about what makes you who you are. I notice a tendency of agreement when I hang out with large groups of friends because everyone wants to fit in. We might be tempted to show agreeance with whatever our friends like, but this can lead to ingenuine connections that fade quickly. Don’t say you like Harry Potter too if you really don’t or that you’re also into classic rock if it’s not your taste. When you’re genuine about your likes and dislikes, you’re more likely to foster a long-term friendship once you do come across things you have in common. So, just don’t force it!
Step 3: Sustain
Awesome! Now that you’ve made some friends that you really like, the final step is a continued effort to sustain the friendship. Here are a few tips on how to make friendships last.
Schedule routine get-togethers.
Find a reoccurring activity to do together with your friends. I love having weekly viewing parties with my friends to watch the new episode of our favorite T.V. series. Some other ideas include committing to Thursday Trivia night at your favorite restaurant, getting together for weekly spin class at the gym, or planed monthly mani/pedis. Choosing a routine activity to do with your friends ensures that you will see each other often, giving you more opportunities to deepen your friendship.
Show up.
If you joined a group/club to make friends, it will be hard to sustain those relationships if you only show up at every other meeting. Regular attendance will help you maintain your connection with the other group members. Similarly, if you agree to meet up with a friend it’s important to follow through. If something comes up, communicate clearly why you can’t make it and give as much notice as possible. Otherwise, you risk coming off as unreliable.
Be supportive in good and bad times.
When a friend shares her success or good news with you, celebrate with her. Similarly, when she is going through a hard time, give her your ear and let her vent. A good friend will do the same for you. Going through both good and bad times together will deepen your friendship.
You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone, because then you will get more enjoyment out of what you earn. If you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are really in trouble.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, CEV translation
Keep in touch with your long-distance friends.
Jobs and relationships often take us to new places as adults, but that doesn’t mean you have to say goodbye to your friends every time. Make an effort to keep in touch with your friends when you move away. There are tons of ways to do this: over the phone, video chat, social media, texting, etc. It takes a little bit of work, but the rewards of having a life-long friend are so worth it.
Friendship as A Path to Sisterhood in Christ
Our pursuit of charitable friendship with one another is a pathway to sisterhood in Christ. All men and women are called to solidarity with one another as the collective human race.
As we strive to be good friends to others, we become better Christians. Through friendship practiced well, we follow through with God’s command to “love thy neighbor as yourself,” treating one another as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Your friend,
Isabella